02/18/2011

Time to get real.

There are a lot of things that should bother me. Things that I think of, and that in that moment I recognize as something I should feel something about. I should feel angry about this. I should feel insulted by that. I should feel human. And a part of me does, I suppose. But these things, when I look at them, at their pettiness and meaninglessness and transience, I laugh at myself, I reprove myself even, for even considering actually taking action in order to assert my own right to comfort. I am not a person who would do such a thing. People do this kind of thing all the time, I see them, defending like pathetic children their own stupid little agendas. Asserting their own interests over those of others around them, while showing no desire to comprehend or satisfy the interests of those whose compliance they demand. And when they don't get their way, they throw adult tantrums. Subtle, so they think. And thus acceptable. But to me, such things are glaring statements, blazing signal fires.

I make a point to comply with such people's wishes. I comply, and I judge them. This person, these people, they are defined to me by their actions. I do not act as they do, for it is useless. But should I ever take action, the action I would take would be final. It would be an action of accomplishment, not of demonstration. They would probably slander me for such an action, because I would not disguise it as they do. Even more, they would resent me for being effective rather than defective. But they would not know that I would know, myself, what they had done to justify my actions.

I am free in many ways that others are not. My mind is free. I am awake. My eyes are opened. So the sayings go. I am everything that I require of myself to be, and what I am is the beginning form of what I desire to be. But in many other ways I am not free. In many other ways the touch of others has confined me. Others have labeled me. Others have defined me, poorly. Others have assumed that I am like them, and that thus I must live by their conceptions and their rules. This is not the case.

I do not know what I will do about this situation. It is quite possible that I shall do nothing, so long as my own intentions are not hindered by their misconceptions. But should those misconceptions ever threaten my intentions, my imperatives, they will find that I shall be swift and ruthless in the destruction of their folly and the laying aside of their meager restraints.